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May. 15th, 2011

(no subject)

So tonight I need to vent. I spent all day waiting for Rob. I can't do it anymore. I did that yesterday. Nothing. He never came over. I never went to his house. Today he was gonna come over say like 12, but then he found a tick and then went over Joshs house. I saw him at 8 when I got home from Borders, and now its 9:04 and he left around 8:45. I try and stay strong, but I swear, old habits are getting hard to not go back too...  I burned myself the other day and cried the whole time. I never told Rob. I feel so bad keeping it from him. It's not even noticeable. But I know it's there. And it's killing me.. I only did it to my legs and I hate the way I felt I needed to hurt myself to make myself feel better. I just want his hugs, and him telling me everything will be okay.
Thursday the condom came off. Everything was inside me. I freaked out. Crying. Rob said, No matter what, it's gonna be okay. I love you. I felt safe knowing that. The next day Friday, I woke up with my period. Black, but still a period. I had it the week before. I guess it's because I took off my birth control after a week. I really can't stand the patch. It does not work. This is my longest period too. I hope it stops soon. I hate having it. The shot is the best option for me, I just don't see why my parents wont let me.
I went to Borders and I got four books. Darren Shan's new book, Ocean of Blood, The Silver Chair, The summer of skinny dipping, and the Carrie Diaries. My idol Carrie Bradshaw. I love her. Mostly the tv show. But hey, a book is better then tv. I need some books. Ugh. I hate being so bored with my life. If I'm not doing Rob's school work, I'm reading or dying of boredom. I started to write a novel. It's from an old idea I had back in the day, like when I was a freshman. Who knows, I could become a best seller author and have something to do with my life now.
I think that's it for today. Other then some thoughts of self harm, nothings up. I lost weight. Not eating has it's benefits.

May. 7th, 2011

May 7, 2011

The past week has been crazy. My boyfriend and I are celebrating 8 months day. In exactly one month, I'll be 18. I'm going up. I'm scared. But last night, I went to a party at my boyfriend house. It was nice. Typical teenage party. Drinking. Smoking. Pill popping. But enough of that it's not important. Neither is the fact Rob's two best friends stole his own car. It was a crazy day in school. I noticed Rob's car wasn't there and it was a pretty scary ordeal. But he got the car back so everything is fine. I spent today with Rob and his friends cleaning up after the party. Then I got some alone time with Rob. It was way different then Thursday. We made love. Like full out love. Today was all out fucking. But I liked it. It was nice. That's really all I have to say. Oh and I lost 2 pounds. :) 118.

Apr. 29th, 2011

(no subject)

-----I'm sitting at home listening to Eminem. I'm getting lost in old pictures saved on my computer. Found one of me, my dad and my two cousins. I miss them. I'm putting them on facebook now. I'm thinking of learning Nordic Languages. I'm guessing that will help me learn Norwegian better. Not really in a writing mood. I'll be back later.

Apr. 25th, 2011

(no subject)

-----Today started as a nice day. Rob came over and we went at it. He came over at 1145-12ish, and we had sex, I stripped for him in person, he was my pole, and we just had the most wonderful two hours together. he left at 2. Had more drug shit to do. He was supposed to come back over after he was done smoking, and he told me that at 430. I made him dinner. He never came. It's 9 at night. He said he'd come over at 830. Then at 845 he texted me saying my stepdad needs me at home, gotta be home at 9. Who else thinks he's lying to me? I give him everything. I even had sex with him today. I said I wasn't anymore. I'm going to stop giving until I finally get something back in return. I'm sick of being walked all over my him. Every fucking day it's the same bullshit. I cry myself to sleep at night, and I want to kill myself. I don't know what to do anymore. I really don't. Maybe if I tried to kill myself he'd listen and pay attention to me more. Maybe I should do what Cosmo said. Ignore a guy, and he'll try for you. I'll do that. No more texting him. Imma dress mad hot tomorrow. He wont know what hit him. Yeah. That sounds like a plan. I'll do that. 
-----That's all for tonight. I need the time to look good for tomorrow now.


Apr. 24th, 2011

A Horrible Night.

-----Ah. Happy Easter or Passover to everyone. So in the past two days, I've managed to become an online stripper for my boyfriend, find our his friends told him to beat me, and he is a robber. YAY! Not at fucking all. So, first off, online stripping. My boyfriend got a webcam. That was stolen from the house he and his friends broke in to.... >.> and I stripped for him on it. And then I said I enjoy doing it, and that I pretty much miss doing it because it turns me on. And he's like "what the fuck. who else has this been done for?" I only said Sam, but I know it's not true. I did it for Ryan as well and Now I feel like a fucking whore. I feel like my boyfriend thinks of me as a fucking whore now..
----- So I got a text from a friend, Sab, and he told me yo can i ask you a ? and I'm like sure, thinking what drugs does this kid want.. Nope. He wants to know why I'm still with Rob when he hits me. Okay. The "Hitting" my boyfriend does is not bad. He threw me across the hallway in school because I tried to hit a kid that said that Rob sold pills. Not anyone's fucking business. Either way, I'm fucking pissed. so after I said sure the texts went like this:
Sab: well i heard peanut hit u from like 5 people y ru still with him if he does that.
Me: who said that?
S: a couple people. i heard he pushed u and punched dnt lie cause its a couple of his friends i guess he went braggin around bout it.
Me: its happened. but its not a huge thing. i hit a guy defending him and rob threw me across the hallway in school, he pretty much headbutted me in the nose twice. but its not a big deal. if you heard it from kyle its cuz i told him when i was upset one day. same with kate. but those were the days it happened. its really not a big deal.
S: I know its happened. more then that and nah i didnt hear it from cate or kyle cause apparently 1 of peanuts friends has been tellin him to not let u push him around like that and to keep his pimp hand strong witch means to keep u in line its gonna get worse and if and when it does if u need help im here.
Me:who told him that.
S: i ant sayin names cause its one of my friends too im just lettin you know and please DO NOT mention my name bout any of me tellin u this to anyone or ill never tell u anything again.
Me: okay.........
-----And that ends the convo. Now, I'm freaking out. Who the fuck said to my boyfriend keep your pimp hand strong. I bet it was Chris V. that kid fucking hates me. He's always trying to make Rob ditch me for him. But he just lost Rob mad money from the weed... So Rob's not to fond of him. Plus he's the only other kid that talks to Sab and Rob. (BTW peanut's his nickname.)
-----I keep trying to call Rob. I can't get an answer. I called his house phone and I get his step dad and he's like Rob's not home yet. He's pissing me off. Don't call late again... I feel really bad, But now I NEED to talk to Rob. Like, He's always home. The texts wont go through, but my calls are. It's just ringing and ringing... I'm so fucking pissed off it's not even funny....
-----Now I'm calling Sab. I need to find out more... No answer. Texting now. I need to know if he's seen rob. Yeah. He's at Sab's house with Josh and Kyle. Way to break curfew fucking asshole.
-----I want to hurt myself right now. I'm not. Gonna keep trying to call rob... Nothing. But he left Joshs. I'm sick of this. I hate him. Maybe I should break up with him. It's what everyone thinks is right. I don't know. It's like he treats me as his fucking sex toy.. Like that's all we do. Tomorrow will be different. No sex. No strip tease like I promised. Nothing. I'm sick of rob doing this shit to me over and over and over again. I'm going to break up with him. Maybe. I don't know. I can't. I love him.. Or is it lust? I don't know. He says he loves me. Guys lie. He's a liar. He doesn't love me. Who am I kidding.. I feel like I should say hey let's break up, just to see his reaction. I need to know it... I can't deal with this bullshit anymore. He lies to me, he does shit that makes me want to hurt myself. I'm crying right now and all I want to do is jump in the shower and hurt myself..
-----But let me stop talking about it. The robbery. Him and friends broke into a house. Stole mad shit. I don't know how I feel about it. I hate it. I hate him for it. But I gotta lie for him.. So I will.
-----I'm going to take a shower I think. If not, Maybe just some sleep will do me well...

Apr. 23rd, 2011

April 23, 2011. 2:25am.

-----Me and my boyfriend Rob Wate, have been together for the past 8 months now. We're in a fairly happy relationship, but mostly all we do is fight. It's hard. I'm a recovering self-harmer, and every time we fight or he ditches me for his friends, I feel like wanting to do it again. Him and his guy friends all do some illegal things, but what teenage boys don't? (We're all within the ages of 17-25.) The thing that pisses me off the most is that he makes plans with me, but drug dealing gets in the way. And so does his "boytime." I never see my boyfriend anymore. We used to hang out all the time. Watch tv, cuddle, have sex.. now it's nothing. I'm lucky if I get oral sex from him, and trust me, a girl needs oral sex. Yesterday, or two days ago, since this is written at night. April 21, 2011. The FIRST orgasm I had in about 3 months, that wasn't me faking it. I feel bad saying faking it. It's not like I did, it's just... the oral was a tease. A lick here. A lick there. Nothing too special. That day, after trying to get him to read this (http://www.literotica.com/s/no-penis-necessary), which he didn't, I told him how to do it, and he did it perfectly. I think having a skirt on and a thong, helped him want to do it. He'd always do it for me at the beginner of our relationship. After a while, instead of taking it nice and slow trying to turn me on, he'd just got at it, and make it hurt, so I'd lie to him to make him feel like a big man, while dieing slowly inside. I gave him sex, and blow job after blow job. I hate the smell of semen, it makes me throw up. So that's a pretty big deal for me to do that for him. You'd think I'd get something in return? Nope. He'd just fuck me, and I'd lay there, waiting in pain for it to end.
-----I can't help but think is that going to be what loves like for the rest of my life? Having loveless sex just so a guy can date you? Not a day goes by the I don't think of breaking up with him. I talked about this with his friend and I guess my friend Chris Hart, (which sadly, was a popular name 18 years ago, half our friends names are Chris), but I digress. He asked me why I'm still with Rob after all the bullshit he puts me threw. That question blew me away. The thoughts I'd been having the last month another guy thought too? In the past week, I've had to many weird feelings about my relationship. Last week, Me and Rob has amazing sex. I was into it for once. I'm not the type with a sex drive. So that was rare. We had gotten in a fight, one of our many, and then we had make up sex. It's a normal thing I guess in relationships. But I'm only 17, a month shy of 18, what do I know? I'm still a freakin' kid. I shouldn't even be having sex. I never even wanted to. It was always his idea. I was a virgin when I met him. Like full out virgin. I only had oral sex with an ex boyfriend, and I sent naked photos out. This was back when I was 15 to now, 17. I lied to him and said I wasn't. For, I had told that lie to say many people, it sounded like a truth to me. It was a reputation I had, and I'm forced to bear it. I lied to him about having an abortion too. I never had one. I told him I did. That was a story, me and my ex cooked up, just to freak his mom out, and he told all his friends, so in turn, I had to bear the "fact" I "had" an abortion, and tell the man I love I did when I never did. I couldn't. I remember looking him in the eyes, and saying "Rob, I had an abortion" (It wasn't out of the blue, it had to deal with our conversation). I regret it so much. I wish I had been honest with him. Tears came up a bit. That has to stop. Wont help with anything. I wish I could tell him now, but I think it would end it. I feel horrible. This is a guy who whenever he lied to me, I called him out on it. But he's new to lying. I've been doing it my whole life.
-----I'm a compulsive liar. I lie to cover up even more lies. Half the lies I'm lying about now, are from over 3 years ago. They are stupid, and I hate them, But I have to bear them as the truth to keep my charade up. But yet again, I'm digressing. As a self-harmer, it's a hard and long way to recovery. I've been dealing with it since I was a freshman, and I'm a senior about to graduate now. That's 4 years. The whole time I've been in high school, I've been a cutter. A burner. I either take a razor, a knife, a thumbtack, a match, hot metal, candle wax, anything that will hurt me, to my wrists and make them bleed, or burn over. I've stopped using the cutting and burning. Last night I did candle wax. That shit was hot as hell, and it turned my wrists red. He came over at 10:30 and didn't notice I had long sleeves on. I wear them all the time at home now to hide it. I'm thinking about going back to cutting. I don't know. I lied to Rob and told him I was getting help. I'm not. I'm reading self help books in the library. The reason I told him that was because on april 15, the day we had really great sex, we got in a huge fight, and it ended up with him dropped me off at my house, me throwing my phone at the house, breaking it, and then walking to his house, and him almost hitting me with a car. But that's another story for another time. After he pulled over and we had a shouting match, he told me I was crazy or something like that. All because after the fight, I wanted to hurt myself. I didn't. I took a light and smashed it against my door. Breaking things makes me feel a bit better. But either way, I said something about wanting to hurt myself, and he said something about my suicidal tendencies, and blah blah blah. I'm sick of hearing the same bullshit over and over again, about me hurting myself when it's him that makes me want to do it. Not that I'd tell him. That'd make everything worse. It's only when we fight, he makes me want too. But he told me to get help, and on an impulse to get him to stop being mad at me, I said I'm getting help. Maybe that's why I wanted you to myself today so I could tell you about it. And I forgot why else, But I ended up saying "It's because I'm fucking crazy!" that sticks out in my mind the most, I honestly can't remember why. But yet again, digressing.
-----Another thing that gets me mad is that my boyfriend watches porn. I found it on his computer and I cried when I saw it. Like, I have sex with him. EVERY DAY. I give him blow jobs. EVERY DAY. I sent him naked photos at least 4 to 5 times a week. I don't see why he needs to look at porn. Bringing it up to him, he said he needs it when I don't send him photos. :/ I sent him a video before of a song I wanted to strip to him to, and the girls in it are hot as fuck, and I asked him if they were hotter then me, and he's like I plead the 5th. Why can't he just tell me? I get it. I'm ugly, I'm fat, i have glasses, shitty acne, my hairs ugly, my body is covered in fat. Those girls are skinny, and boobed up. I don't see why he couldn't tell me, Those girls are hotter then you. I know it. He knows it. Why can't he tell me? Oh no, a harm feeling is coming on....
-----I don't think I have anything much to say, I pretty much said a lot tonight. I want to break up with my boyfriend, but can't. I hate the fact he leaves me all the time. I told him on april 20th, that I hurt myself to get attention from him because he ignores me. I can't stand he can't tell me how he feels, what a bullshit relationship this is. Mostly, I'm just pissed off now, but I do feel good venting my feelings out. This could become a normal thing from now on...

Jan. 17th, 2011

Updated Partners.

Since I got a boyfriend a couple of months ago, I figured my list needed to be updated. also, I LOST MY VIRGINITY!!!!!! WOOOOOOOOOOOOHOOOOOOOOO!! to the wonderful, and amazing Rob Wate. (:

Kissed- Kevin Kutlu, Josh Lowe, Justin Hammer, Ryan Taylor, Ian Johnston, Dom Soto, Cathy Palm, Devin Tutu, Vicky Just, Anthony R, Ash L, Sam Hami,
Rob Wate
Made out with- Josh Lowe, Justin Hammer, Ian Johnston, Dom Soto, Anthony R, Sam Hami, Rob Wate
Touching- Justin Hammer, Sam Hami, Bill MCKay, Ash L, Kat H, Rob Wate
Oral- Justin Hammer. Rob Wate.
Rob Wate
Nudes- Justin Hammer, Sam Hami, Bill MCKay, Ash L, Nick RA, Kyle Right, Ryan Richie, Rob Wate

Dec. 11th, 2010

Reason's to have a baby.

I want a baby. The reason's are listed below.

1.) I'm young and in my prime for having a baby.
2.) What if I never get another chance to have a baby in my life?
3.) I'll have the energy to chase around little kids.
4.) It's easier on my body now.
5.) if i wait, the baby has a higher chance of being dis-formed or having diseases.
6.) it will be easier to relate to our children if we have them young.
7.) id rather have them younger, because when we're in our 40's we can go on vactions and have fun.
I cant think of anything else and i read too many things about babies being problems so i just give up.

Nov. 8th, 2010


Anorexia. Something every girl thinks about. Some girl's do it. some girl's don't. Which will you chose? Me? I'm going to chose it. I WANT to be back to being skinny again. I can't stand being fat. I just found stretch marks on my thighs. I only weight about 130. BUT it's 30 pounds more then I have ever weighed in my whole life. So from now on... No food. Or at least, as little as possible. I refuse to eat. I will work out everyday. EVERYDAY. Three hours. Maybe two. Start at two and go to three. I have gym for 45 minutes. I will go HARD in gym. Run as fast as possible. Sit ups. Jumps. EVERYFUCKINGTHING. I will lose weight. No matter what, I'll lose it.
Today. I ate cheese sticks, sauce, a food bar, some juice, some pasta, and some meatballs. Tomorrow, I will not eat anything. I will start my day with a Amp. Chew gum whenever I feel the need. Drink water. Take long ass walks around the school. Wear heels and dress in baggie shirts. Hide my fat rolls and build some muscle in my legs. That sounds like a good plan....

Aug. 17th, 2010

A Very Degrassi dream.

So, last night, I had this crazy dream. It starred Adam and Clare from Degrassi. Only, I was Clare. No I didn't get to kiss Eli. :O But ADAM. OMG. So anyway. It started out as going to Adam and Drew's for some party. Adam showed Clare/Me around to all the rooms and stuff. Then in the basement, he showed me Gracie's room. Adam and Clare/Me shared a moment, while talking about a parade they were at. Clare/Me was in it, while Adam was watching it. Adam shows Clare/Me a video from the parade. Then they listen to some band and Adam is standing up behind Clare/Me and Clare/Me is sort of leaning on Adam. They then kiss, after many sideways looks to each other. Clare/Me had turned her head to say something to Adam and *WHAM* Adam lays one right one her. And that kiss deepens and ends up having to move from Adam and Clare/Me standing/sitting, to being on Gracie's bed. Adam is on top of Clare/Me and he's looking more like a girl then we have ever seen. His hair was very girlie and curly for some reason. And it was sorta chin length. But moving on. They are kissing and Clare/Me pulls on Adam's hair, and Adam is giving Clare/Me a hickey. Then Adam suddenly gets up and yells at Clare/Me to get out. Clare/Me leaves almost in tears. Drew see's her leaving and asks what happened? Clare/Me says "Go ask your brother." So Drew walks down to Gracie's room and see's Adam laying on the bed on his back, with his head in his hands. Drew asks him what's up, and Adam tells Drew how he had just kissed Clare/Me and he feels horrible because it's his best friends girlfriend. Drew said to call Eli up and have him come over to talk it out. So Adam does. Clare/Me on the other hand, goes home, sits in her room, in the dark, and cries. She is so confused about what just happened. Am I a lesbian? she wonders. Because Adam IS a girl. Not a boy everywhere. Just between the ears.. Back to Eli and Adam. Adam tells Eli that he kissed Clare/Me and was really sorry about it. Eli tells him, it's cool dude. Just don't do it again. We're still bros. *fist pound* Eli then tells Adam, he going to go talk to Clare/Me. Not sure what happens with that, it stayed with Adam. Adam does a little burning, and then cries a bit. He then decides to play at some bar as Gracie the Wench. Drew finds out and goes to the bar. Eli and Clare/Me go too. Clare/Me doesn't know where we are going, because Eli said it was a secret. Once there, Clare/Me tries to find a bathroom, but finds Gracie's dressing room. She then quickly leaves.  Gracie is upset that Clare/Me is there, and doesn't want to go on. Then she has Drew get Clare/Me and brings her back to the dressing room. Gracie, while getting dressed to become Adam tells Clare/Me that Clare/Me has to go on not Gracie. Adam and Drew will do the mixes and whatnot, but they need a girl to be there. So Clare/Me agrees and it's just Clare/Me and Drew on a stage. Then after 5 minutes Adam gets there and then Clare/Me sings a beautiful song that I really wrote, and Adam and Drew laid the track down. Everyone loved it. As soon as they were done, Clare/Me goes over to Adam and hugs him. Adam gives Clare/Me a quick kiss on the cheek. Eli see's red after this. But he knows, he's no longer the man in Clare/Me's life. Back in the dressing room, Adam makes another move on Clare/Me after seeing Eli's nod and mouthing of "Go ahead". Clare/Me is totally into this, and Adam and her get half naked on to be walked in on by Drew and Eli. Clare/Me freaks out, and Eli says "Clare, it's okay. I'm with Drew now" Drew and Eli leave in the hurse, to make hot man sex. Adam and Clare/Me walk back to Adam's and Drew's house. Adam invites Clare/Me inside, aka, his bedroom. Not Gracie's. His. Adam's boy room, is a lot like Gracie's. Only less girlie. Adam and Clare/Me make out all night long and fall asleep together. Clare/Me wakes up and Adam feels her awake up and he wakes up too, and says "wow, your even pretty in the morning."

AND THEN I WOKE UP. -___________- but hey, at least it was a nice dream. :]

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